i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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