Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
