So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
