I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
