When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
