I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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