My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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