If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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