Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
