He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
