I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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