I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
