this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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