so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
