The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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