Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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