I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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