Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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