Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
