rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
