And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
