You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
