i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Someone came in the potted fern
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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