You don't have asthma, your pregnant
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
