Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
