I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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