i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
