I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
