she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
