just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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