I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
