this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
