Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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