dude i'm inner monologue high
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
