Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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