My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
