Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
