I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
