he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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