i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Sorry my hands just texted you
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
