hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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