girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
