i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
