so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
