And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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