worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
