My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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