Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
