I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
