Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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