I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
